Maternal Desires, Maternal Angst

Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more about motherhood. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and I can hear that biological clock ticking away, or maybe because my best friend recently became a mom herself (which she finally did, after five years of trying, at the ripe old age of 42!).

There’s also that other subconscious thing about these past few years when I was obsessed as a David fan. I used to go back and forth: do I see David as a son I’d like to have, or is he an ideal partner from my youth?

I used to say, back in the early days of the Archufandom, that I didn’t know if I wanted to tuck David into bed or climb in next to him. 😛

What I do know, as I think more and more about motherhood, is that while I’m not yet sure what I would name my child if I had a girl, I absolutely and unhesitatingly know my son – if I should ever have one – will be named David.

David.  Beloved.

David.  King. Warrior.  Royal Line of Jesus. Psalmist. Poet. Musician. Lover.  Friend.

David.  My Beloved.

Lately, black motherhood has been on my mind as well, not just because I aspire to be one someday but because the burden of raising a child in this country is so filled with contradictions.

If President Obama gets re-elected, will I be able to plan to be a mother and have a child under his watch? And if that happens, what would it mean to raise a son in this era, a black son (regardless of the color of his father, having me as a mother will make him “black”)?

Where my black son (if I had one) could see that he too might aspire to be president or, considering the tragic killing of Trayvon Martin, he too could be racially profiled.

Today in New York City, there are plans  for a “Million Hoodie March” on Union Square later this evening at 6 pm, and if I had a black son, I would encourage him to go.  

But will such actions bring real justice for Trayvon Martin and for his mother, Sybrina Fulton, whose anguish over the death of her son has not stopped her from organizing and bringing to the world’s attention what happened to her boy?  She reminds me of so many black mothers warring for their children, especially of Mamie Till Mobley, whose 14-year-old son Emmett Till was brutally lynched back in 1955 and who deliberately kept the casket open at his funeral so that the world could see “what they did to my boy.”

1955.  2012.  Nearly 60 years between, and still, we have black mothers mourning the unjust killing of their sons.

Sigh.

So, you heard it hear first, dear readers.

One day, I hope to have a son named David, and as much as I want that son to have David’s innocence and good heart and pure talent, indeed, as much as I would love him to share such light-hearted tweets like this

he may have to run for his life because someone thinks, because of the color of his skin, that he’s “up to no good” instead of thinking that he’s venturing out to the corner store to buy a bag of Skittles and a bottle of Arizona ice tea.

I mourn that his mother didn’t get a chance to scold him for having a “sugar high” while watching sports. No. She has to mourn not just that some unstable, wannabe cop shot her son to death, but that a police department took his body to the morgue without notifying his family and immediately started covering up the events, even “correcting” eyewitnesses about what had happened (for surely, this young boy was “up to no good”).

So, as I share in the angst of all you “Fan Mothers” of David, wringing your hands and worrying about what country is “safe enough” for David to complete his mission, I’m already wringing my hands and worrying about a black son I have not yet had but hoping to have, named for my Idol.

David – with the hope of a Barack Obama and the threat of a Trayvon Martin.

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Posted on March 21, 2012, in current events. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. goodkarmaseeker

    All I can say or share is, my eyes are filled with tears and my heart is full of love and compassion.

  2. We should all do whatever we can to fight the kind of racism that gave rise to this atrocity. I am thankful that public outrage led to the Dept. of Justice and the FBI deciding to intervene and investigate. That, of course, does not alleviate the Mother’s anquish. Thank you for using your blog to bring such information to us, your readers. I will continue to read you every day and thank god for you, Hello Gorgeous.

  3. I should have said: Thank God for you, hell0g0rge0us!

  4. I am a 70 year old white woman with 2 black grandsons. I share your anguish over this situation. My son was married to a lovely black woman for 17 years, and my grandsons are the light of my life. The thought of something like this happening to one of them scares me half to death. The thought of something happening to David on his mission also worries me. I just have to turn them all over to God and pray for his protection for them, and pray for this society to wake up to the truth. The color of your skin has nothing to do with the measure of your character. God bless you Hellogorgeous.

  5. This reading made me cry…thank you hell0g0rge0us!

  6. Thank you HG for this article. Racism is so wrong! We all need to treat each other with the same respect we would treat our family members because in the larger picture that is exactly what we are, brothers and sisters.

    BTW, I think you would be a wonderful mom, and I’m partial to the name David also. 🙂

  7. So busy today at work and home but I just had to add a comment. I believe this tragic situation shows why some of the laws in Florida need to be changed. I read this article on CNN today and it was written by Jeffrey Toobin. It is a well written piece on why the laws in Florida need to be changed. http://www.cnn.com/2012/03/20/opinion/toobin-trayvon-martin/index.html

    • Things need to change if shooting an unarmed minor walking peacefully down the street is NOT murder?

  8. On my way to work a few weeks ago, I passed by the scene of a shooting. We heard that a decorated, deeply religious marine who often exercised on the high school track with his daughters, had been shot there by a policeman. It just didn’t make sense. How could a person just going to jog on a track here in our low-crime area be killed? I started to wonder–is it possible that it was a black-white thing? What else could it be?

    A few days later a photo of the dead man was printed in the paper. Yep–he was black, the deputy was white. The marines are incensed that one of their stars–a man with a pregnant wife and three children, had been apparently senselessly killed. The police story changed from the deputy being afraid for his own safety, to the deputy fearing for the daughter’s safety. (Oh, and the daughters were kept by the police for 13 hours without being able to see their family).

    Anyone who says that racism isn’t a current problem, doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

    http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2012/02/marine-killed-by-deputy-on-school-track-wasnt-armed-sheriff-says.html

  9. The sad part of all this racist attitude is that somehow has being justify by politics and religion , something that struck me big , it was a reality that i didn’t fell this way in Latinoamerica, but in this part of America even God is used to justify discriminatory and racist behavior … i can relate to the fear and sadness we feel , when our childrens realize that their skin color become an issue for some people .
    ” Stupid Spanish brown skin girl” or ‘Is ok to play with you , because you are light brown, but i’m not gonna play with your dark brown cousins ” , some of the sentence my niece had to handle since she started the school , tbh her little confused face it was heart broken , and it was a challenge to explain to her in a wise way what was the mean behind the insult without over react was so painful , since then life is different and new fears are part of our life.

    Thank you HG, i was actually following the Trayvon Martin case in CNN last days , is extremely sad the indifference of the Florida authorities.
    Best wishes for you in whatever new exciting project you want to follow, I’m sure you going to success . !! 🙂
    Thank you so much for this very informative/formative blog and the opportunity to be open to discuss and share our views with sincerity.

    TIBI . 🙂

    • tibi off topic but I really enjoyed Heejun’s performance tonight on AI. I know that you mentioned liking him. Even though I still do not think he has the best voice I thought he was very entertaining. I also liked that Phillip wore his grey shirt even when given advice not to. lol I thought David and Kari’s tweets on his photo shoot were very interesting and entertaining today. I like Kari a lot.

      • TBH the night was boring lo, but i agree at least Heejun enjoy himself doing something different, even if Steven was hating him big with his facial expressions 😮 …. i guess the original difference was not appreciated lol … i agree his voice is not the best at all, but he’s entertaining, at least for a segment of the viewers 😉
        P2 is a cutie , eye candy lol, he need to find the right songs, i liked tonight tough … but next week he needs to improve.

        And Haley will be in Idol tomorrow !! 😀 …. hope she do well, all this kids get nervous when they return to the show. :/

      • I actually thought Idol was quite entertaining this week but I love Billy Joel songs. Jessica Van Pelt completely changed her look coming out with short, black hair, but Phillip was told by the mentors to not wear gray and to get rid of his guitar. He came out dressed in gray playing his guitar. I thought Heejun’s performance was really funny but Steven did not like it at all. Colton was great on the piano doing “Piano Man”.

        I was glad to hear that Kari was back with David for the photo shoot. She’s my favorite member of David’s team. I’m glad she’s still on board. I hope she takes lots of videos and pictures of David to put out after he leaves.

  10. Shanny in Australia

    Grrrr. These stories make me angry. It seems strange that these things.happen in 2012 with a black president and a blog full of condemning comments for such racist attitudes and actions. I’m leftthinking…how does this sort of stuff continue to happen?! I’m left with two possible answers…. 1. There are small sections of the community who are still highly racist. 2. As unracist as we think we are in 2012 many people still harbour racist stereotypes that influence their actions in hig stress situations. The unpleasant truth of the matter is tht the second option is probably way more accurate that any of uswould like to believe. I have seen several studies where even black americans tend to associate other black americans with fear/danger/crime over white americans.

    One of my majors at University was criminology. There is continuous debate over why our prisons are filled with black minorities…..are these black people really committing more crime or are they being more closely policed because ‘our prisons.are filled with black people so that black person might also be committing a crime’ in a ‘what came first – the chicken or the egg’ kind of scenario.

    Music, movies, educational institutions, certain types of careers, housing, fashion, pop culture, even sports…..we can see racial divisions – not necessarily because people are being racist but because of the additional influences of things like socio-economic status, access to a good education and health care, mentoring etc – but these things all set up racial stereotypes in the minds of all people.

    My generation is definitely less racist than my parents generation and hopefully my childrens generation will be less racist than my generation but it it something that takesa long time to change. I think society has to get to a place where the poverty cycle is broken down enogh for all people to have equal opportunities for education/mentoring/careers to break the stereotypes AND then have to progress beyond that to embracing the varying cultural identities of people. Is that even possible to achieve with a society that is filled with complexities and imperfect, emotional, less than 100% rational people? I.m not so sure. It will take a long time but I guess we can still keep hoping and working towards it. It sure is a necessary and worthy goal.

    Didn’t realise I had yet another speech in me. lol But there you go – my 2 cents. Sorry about all the typos too , tapping on a phone here.

  11. I know I am late to comment but I just read your article and it brought tears to my eyes. All children should be safe and loved. One thing I am sure of, “your David” would always know he was loved, of that there is no doubt. I wish we could guarantee his safety too. I pray for the safety of “our David” in the upcoming two years. He is love.

  12. As I discussed this tragic event with my students this week I thought about what you’d say, HG. It’s interesting how the bonds of camaraderie and admiration we’ve built along this journey with David have prevailed, even if our wild plans for David’s career have all but fallen through. I hope to be able to continue to hear from you on other matters, such as this. Just let me know where – at SD or another blog. God bless you.

    Here in Brazil it’s a struggle just to bring people to see racism for what it is and face it, as most of us prefer to mask it under the guise of a model racial democracy. It’s just sad.

    And I agree that David, with everything it represents, is a perfect name. Hope he can complete his mission period safely.

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